I have always been aware of my odd sensitivity. Odd, because, I am a very emotional person. I used to cry at the drop of a hat. The hat being something that has caused me pain, or made me angry, but sadness has rarely brought a tear to my eye. I mean, I cannot muster up one drop, not one.
Death? Unless it is someone whom I am very close to, which has only happened twice in my life, I feel very little. Most of my pain and angst comes from the loss that loved ones suffer, not the actual loss of the person. Who is so cold? So cold to not cry at the loss of human life. I agree, that it is terribly sad, and I empathize with the sadness, but I can not mirror it.
When, earlier this week, my family received horrible news about one of our dear one's cancer prognosis, I was a statue. I was the person that received all the phone calls begging, through distraught, frantic voices, for Google to provide an alternative treatment, or a better prognosis. I was the strong one, it seemed, who could read all of the statistics and facts, and remain composed. On the surface, I looked strong, but really, I was emotionless. Not because I didn't care, but because, well... I am not sure why. That is the answer I am looking for. I do care, very much so, and have a very tender heart that hurts for everyone who suffers, and doing all I can to help anyone that I can. So what is my deal?
Also, on the very same day, my family was subject to even more news, that made even a strong man cry. I sat, smiling, saying, "Everything happens for a reason. It will all be okay. God doesn't mislead us." I can honestly say that I did not feel one ounce of worry that night, but feel that my faith and trust in God was the biggest reason for that.
As I have posted before, nothing "looms" for me, as a general rule. They simply arrive. I do not worry about what is out of my hands. The way I look at it, if it seems like an impossible situation, the only thing you can do, is the next thing. One thing at a time. I never look ahead, and never look at long term scenarios. I do, however, experience frequent anxiety attacks. I can't explain why, or what exactly brings them on, but it seems that every day for two weeks, I can't breath, and my world is spinning wildly out of control all around me, when in fact, these times are when things are perfectly fine. As normal as could be. Maybe all this is the answer.
I don't grieve over the end of someone's suffering. Why would you? What I do grieve for is the suffering that others go through because of the loss. I don't stress about things that are out of my hands, things that I can do nothing about, because what good would that do?
I am sad tonight, however, because I don't have tears to cry, when I really would like to express the emotions that I feel. But, I just don't see any appropriate behavior for an emotion that is specific, and unique, to only me.
